Monday, January 28, 2019

The dirt merchant. (A filthy alternative to potions.)

(Made using my button generator here.)


A dirt alchemist enchanting dirt.

Like potions but you dump them on the ground to induce a magical effect.  A standard bag has enough dirt to cover a circle 10 feet across.

In order for the effect to fully take place, you need to dump out at least a 5 foot circle of dirt. If the dirt has an effect on you, it only happens while you are standing on the dirt. All enchanted dirt looks the same (like dirt). If you forget to label your bags of dirt, then you can take a handful of dirt out of the dirt bag and chew on it. Dirt.
  1. Dirt that keeps you alive but doesn't heal wounds. Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt.
  2. Dirt that floats up to cover your eyes and make you blind. Chew on it and your eyes get a bit cloudy.
  3. Dirt that lets you see through the eyes of anyone else standing on the dirt. Chew on it and your eyes get slightly better, but not supernaturally so.
  4. Dirt that you sink knee-deep into no matter what surface its poured on. Sticks to the roof of your mouth.
  5. Dirt that grabs your feet if you stand still. Stick it in your mouth, and it will stick your teeth together if you stop chewing.
  6. Dirt that makes you think incredibly quickly but also makes you paranoid. Standing on it makes you feel all jittery. Acts as a mild stimulant when chewed.
  7. Dirt that makes you drowzy. (Save or fall asleep.) Acts like a mild sleep aid when chewed.
  8. Dirt that makes your fingernails and teeth really sharp. Prevents cavities when chewed.
  9. Dirt that makes you forget why you stepped on the dirt. Stick it in your mouth and you forget why you stuck dirt in your mouth.
  10. Dirt that makes you remember your childhood. When chewed, makes you remember your breakfast.
  11. Dirt that makes you lucky. (About a 1 in 10 chance of winning roulette. Remember though, you have to dump out the dirt and stand on it.) Chewing it only makes you *feel* lucky.
  12. Dirt that makes you look younger. Chew it to make your teeth look younger. 
  13. Dirt that slowly makes you less dirty. But it doesn't clean itself - just *other* dirts. Promotes gum health.
  14. Dirt of protection from evil. Like a circle of protection from evil but messier. Tastes like mint.
  15. Dirt of protection from good. Tastes like salt.
  16. Dirt of protection from anything dirty. Tastes like soap.
  17. Dirt of protection from anything clean. Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt. 
  18. Dirt of protection from blades. Tastes metallic.
  19. Dirt of protection from demons. Tastes like cotton candy.
  20. Dirt of protection from angels.  Tastes like bitter dark Chocolate.
  21. Dirt of protection from Dave. Takes like saxophone music.
  22. Dirt of protection from arthropods. Tastes like raw chicken breast.
  23. Dirt of protection from worms. Tastes like raw chicken thigh.
  24. Dirt of protection from hogs. Tastes like the exact opposite of pork.
  25. Dirt of protection from aliens. Tastes like mineral water.
  26. Dirt of protection from dogs. Tastes like grapes.
  27. Dirt of protection from gods. Tastes like broken glass.
  28. Dirt of protection from elementals. No flavor whatsoever.
  29. Dirt of protection from fae. Tastes like rust.
  30. Dirt of protection from peasants. Tastes like fine wine.
  31. Dirt of protection from nobility. Tastes like potato.
  32. Dirt of protection from criminals. Tastes like lobster.
  33. Dirt of protection from librarians and officers of the law . Tastes spicy.
  34. Dirt that compels you to dance with dirt in your shoes. Makes your tongue spasm if you stick it in your mouth.
  35. Dirt that makes it impossible to tell people apart. Everyone else looks like a pile of dirt to your eyes. If you chew on it, then you perceive other people as having mouths full of dirt.
  36. Dirt that makes you look like a pile of dirt to other people. If you chew on it, then other people perceive you as having a mouth full of dirt, which you do.
  37. Dirt that summons a perfectly normal badger every minute or so. It crawls up out of the dirt. Takes like hair and dirt.
  38. Dirt that imbues projectiles  with limited sentience and strongly convinces them to go the other way. Makes you feel guilty for chewing on it.
  39. Dirt that makes living things look dead. If you chew on it, then your clean teeth appear rotten.
  40. Dirt that makes dead things look alive. If you chew on it, then your rotten teeth appear clean.
  41. Dirt that slows down time. 1 minute on top of the dirt pile = 1 hour outside of the dirt pile. Mouthfeel like a spoon full of  molasses.
  42. Dirt that forms into the shape of whoever steps on it and starts telling them about what could have been if they made better decisions in the past. Chewing on it makes you feel nostalgic.
  43. Dirt that induces mutations every minute. If you stick this in your mouth, then roll on a mutation table and apply the result to your tongue.
  44. Dirt that detects underground water streams. It moves along with the currents.  Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt; maybe a bit moister.
  45. Dirt that makes you into more dirt. It uses a mystical process called "the inversion of the creation of new music" or, "de-composing". Will rot your tongue if you stick it in your mouth.
  46. Dirt that assimilates  inorganic materials into more dirt.  Mouthfeel like normal dirt, but destroys any fillings.
  47. Dirt that bounces. No, it doesn't stop bouncing. It bounces until it reaches terminal velocity, but then it explodes.   Mouthfeel like an electric toothbrush.
  48. Dirt that lets you jump really high but doesn't do anything to cushion the landing.  When chewing on it, your mouth keeps opening really wide and slamming back down.
  49. Dirt that cusses really badly, but if you teach it courtly manners it turns into rubies. Mouthfeel like aluminum-flavored sand; 1-in-3 chance of making you cuss when you chew on it.
  50. Dirt that speaks aloud the secrets of anyone standing on it. Chew on it, and you'll burp out a secret.
  51. Dirt that forms into an elaborate facsimile of a 1950s american suburban household, completely with dirt children and supportive dirt husband.  The dirt housewife is telling them to wash their hands before they eat dinner. It's not going well. Chewing on it makes the exact same thing happen in miniature inside your mouth.
  52. Dirt that convinces other dirt that it's actually water.  Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt.
  53. Dirt that's so delicious you don't realize you got polymorphed into a worm. Indescribably delicious if you eat only a pinch.
  54. Dirt that doubles in volume each day until it fills up a room, or until it reaches the size of a castle.  Mild choking hazard.
  55. Dirt that forms dirt plate armor over anyone touching it. Will coat your teeth; annoying to clean off.
  56. Dirt it hurts to step on. Also hurts to chew.
  57. Dirt it hurts to step on. Emotionally.  Chewing it actually makes you feel pretty happy, oddly enough.
  58. Dirt that oxygenates blood through your feet, so you don't have to breathe. Chewing it isn't enough to let you breathe, but does make you feel slightly less winded.
  59. Dirt that prevents you from breathing. Severe choking hazard.
  60. Dirt that causes lacerations and prevents clotting.  Chewing it is like chewing tacks.
(“Look at all your blood. It’s on the GROUND where the DIRT lives” — Griffin McElroy)

A diagram from a dirt alchemist's dirtbook.
(A dirtbook is like a book made out of enchanted dirt.)

  1. Dirt that mends injuries but does so poorly, leaving ugly scars. Same effect when chewed, but only for mouth ulcers.
  2. Dirt that changes form randomly. Starts as a pile on the ground, then shifts into a pillar, than a thin wall, then a ball, etc. Incredibly difficult to chew.
  3. Dirt that repels gold.  Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt.
  4. Dirt that just gets you real high. Mild stimulant when chewed.
  5. Dirt that gets you down. Mild depressant when chewed.
  6. Dirt that gives you dirty thoughts. Mild aphrodisiac when chewed.
  7. Dirt that cannot be moved once dumped out. If you chew this, you might need surgical assitance to remove it from your mouth.
  8. Dirt that slaps you if you litter.  Makes you feel a very mild urge to clean if you chew on it.
  9. Trid. Dump it on the ground and a hole appears. If you put this in your mouth, one of your teeth vanishes.
  10. Dirt that catches ghosts. Hopefully you know what to do with the ghosts once they are stuck haunting your dirt pile. If you chew it near a ghost, you will become possessed.
  11. Dirt that lets you charge up punches while standing on it. Every minute you hold your arm under tension adds the force of one punch to the final punch. Stick it in your mouth, and you can charge up a bite, which will probably probably shatter your teeth.
  12. Dirt that lets you get a full night's rest in just 10 minutes. But you have to sleep directly on the dirt. No blankets. Tastes like comfort somehow.
  13. Dirt that sinks into the ground, opening a portal to the elemental plane of dirt. If you chew it, you will vomit out your body mass of dirt.
  14. Dirt that just continually gets warmer until it eventually vaporizes. Scalds your mouth if you try to chew it.
  15. Dirt that mends broken objects. Repairs cracked teeth when chewed.
  16. Dirt that shall pierce the heavens. (It cracks ceilings when dumped on the floor.) Makes the roof of your mouth bleed if chew on it.
  17. Very slowly and sensually tickling dirt. Sticking it in your mouth induces a coughing fit.
  18. Climate control dirt. Dump it on the ground. Now it's hot and humid. Or you can smell the ocean. Mist will pour out of your mouth if you chew it.
  19. Dirt that lets you speak, but not understand, a different language. Stick it in your mouth and you can speak a few words.
  20. Dirt that lets you understand what nearby worms are thinking. Chew it to understand what your teeth are thinking.
  21. Dirt that disgorges thousands of ants. Will also make you sneeze ants if you chew it.
  22. Dirt that makes plants grow fast and wrong. Dump the dirt, dump some seeds. Now you've got a monster tomato.  Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt unless you have a seed stuck in your teeth.
  23. Dirt that makes plants grow large and healthy, but at normal speed. Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt unless you have a seed stuck in your teeth.
  24. Dirt that forms into a dirt dragon with dirt breath. When placed in your mouth, makes you cough up dirt.
  25. Dirt that over the course of a month slowly grows into an elaborate cathedral-city made of packed dirt. Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt. 
  26. Dirt that makes animals grow fast and wrong. Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt unless you have some meat stuck in your teeth.
  27. Dirt that reanimates anything buried in it. Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt unless you have some meat stuck in your teeth.
  28. Dirt that kills anything buried in it and prevents it from being reanimated. Deadly poison when eaten.
  29. Dirt that allows you to tilt your head to make milk pour out of your ear. You can also chew on it to make milk appear; the longer you chew, the more milk is created.
  30. Dirt that teleports you somewhere you've been within the past week. Chewing it makes a single tooth teleport to the place you were standing one minute ago.
  31. Dirt that repeatedly builds up and discharges static electricity.  Chewing it is like chewing a handful of Sichuan pepper.
  32. Dirt that forms into a miniature version of the nearest building. Hard to chew; full of sharp grit.
  33. Dirt that reverses the pull of  gravity on water.  (You are mostly water by weight.) Makes you feel lightheaded when chewed.
  34. Dirt that reverses the pull of  gravity on metal. Mouthfeel identical to normal dirt, unless you have fillings.
  35. Dirt that nullifies  light. (Appears as a pillar of darkness.) Makes your teeth black.
  36. Dirt that is completely frictionless. Incredibly oily mouthfeel.
  37. Dirt that nullifies sound. Renders you mute while you chew it.
  38. Dirt that throws a rave. (Emits bright lights, loud music.) Any words you speak with this dirt in your mouth come out with deep bass distortion.
  39. Dirt that attracts and traps thieves. (Illusory treasure that turns into sticky concrete-like mud when you touch it.) If you chew it, then people nearby will feel a faint urge to steal your teeth.
  40. Dirt that attracts and traps insects. Sticky, acidic mouthfeel; chewing makes nearby insects fly towards your mouth.
  41. Dirt that attracts and traps rodents. Sticky, cheesy mouthfeel; chewing makes nearby rodents crawl towards your mouth.
  42. Dirt that attracts and traps monsters. Sticky, umami mouthfeel; chewing it makes nearby monsters want to eat you.
  43. Dirt that makes illusions tangible by filling them with dirt. Mouthfeel is indistinguishable from normal dirt, unless you have illusions in your mouth.
  44. Dirt that prevents spells from being cast. Mouthfeel like clay, unless you are a wizard, in which case you can't cast spells.
  45. Dirt that supercharges spells. (All dice involved roll their maximum value.) Mouthfeel like clay, unless you are a wizard, in which case all your spells are cast in a burst of uncontrolled wild magic.
  46. Dirt that convinces stone, wood, and metal that they are intangible. Very chewy, makes your fillings intangible.
  47. Dirt that convinces air that it's semitangible. Makes the air like jelly. Moderate choking hazard. 
  48. Dirt that creates a horrible cyclone that doesn't blow away the dirt somehow. You continuously exhale while chewing.
  49. Dirt that grants supernatural lock-picking skills. If you chew it, then your mind is filled with images of locks.
  50. Dirt that creates dirty, crumpled copies of nearby documents. They pop out of the ground like bean sprouts. Mouthfeel like dirty shredded paper.
  51. Dirt that attracts nearby loose stones and debris and makes them pile up into a wall. Chewing it gives you an urge to eat pebbles.
  52. Dirt that makes the ground transparent. You can see down to the other side of the world if there are no caves or fissures in the way. Chewing it makes your mouth appear to be full of blood.
  53. Dirt raft. When you pour it on water, it behaves as though it were poured onto solid ground.  Mouthfeel like normal dirt, but impossible to swallow.
  54. Dirt that vanishes any creature that dies while standing on the dirt and replaces them with a bear.  Tastes vaguely gamy.
  55. Dirt which imbues all animals with sapience. They also become intensely aware that they will lose sapience as soon as they leave the dirt pile. Chewing it gives your tongue the same level of self-awareness.
  56. Dirt which imbues all plants with sapience. They also gain the ability to move, and become aware that they will lose these abilities once they leave the dirt pile. Most plants leave the dirt pile immediately. Mouthfeel identical to normal dirt.
  57. Dirt that lets you feel the vibrations of the earth and sense nearby moving creatures. Only works with bare feet.  Stick it in your mouth and you will feel the urge to bury yourself.
  58. Dirt that grows thorns out of whatever it is dumped onto. Dump it onto soil or wood, and a normal thornbush will grow. Dump it onto a metal sheet, and barbed wire will spring forth. Chewing it will fill your mouth with enamel fragments and weird growths.
  59. Dirt that gets you covered in dirt. Goes down smooth when you chew it.


Incredibly alive. Very intense qualia. Can't really move. Mind so small that it can only hold one mode of thought. You don't buy dirp; you adopt it.
  1. Dirt that is angry at the world.
  2. Dirt that is astounded by the beauty of nature
  3. Dirt that is just glad to be here.
  4. Dirt that is afraid of dogs.
  5. Dirt that is disgusted by the number 5.
  6. Dirt that has given up.
  7. Dirt that never gives up on you.
  8. Dirt that gaslights you.
  9. Dirt that gaslights other dirt.
  10. Dirt that's spying on sand.
  11. BDSM dirt. 
  12. Prudish dirt.
  13. Passive pacifist dirt.
  14. Unapologetically honest dirt.
  15. Apologetically dishonest dirt.
  16. Dirt that's ashamed of its true self.
  17. Dirt that has nothing to lose.
  18. Dirt that has everything to lose.
  19. Dirt that repeats Daryl Bem's research.
  20. Dirt that enjoys watching twilight.
  21. Dirt that's very proud of itself.
  22. Dirt that is working its way up the periodic table. (roll a d118 to see where it's at)
  23. Biased dirt.
  24. Dirt that is plotting revenge.
  25. Dirt that does not understand social cues.
  26. Dirt that's not sarcastic enough.
  27. Laterally thinking dirt.
  28. Dirt that believes the earth is flat.
  29. Dirt that loudly proclaims its grand heritage.
  30. dirt that demands to be taken seriously.
  31. Dirt that unlocked the secret of harnessing energy from dust.
  32. Just dirt. It is judging you.
  33. Unjust dirt. It loves you unconditionally.
  34. Unjust dirt. It hates you unconditionally.
  35. Dirt that is actually a good bartender, but nobody believes it.
  36. Dirt that harbours deep resentment towards nail clippings.
  37. Dirt that thinks its an orc.
  38. Dirt that wants to bring the mythbusters back together.
  39. Dirt that's a quest giver.
  40. Dirt that pretends to be a cat. Not very convincingly.
  41. Dirt that pretends to be bodily fluids.
  42. Dirt that wants to open a small business.
  43. Dirt that advocates for peace with the elves.
  44. Dirt that advocates for war with the elves.
  45. Dirt that is convinced the that the moon is fake.
  46. Surprisingly well-behaved dirt.
  47. Dirt that is silently meditating.
  48. Dirt so self-assured of its righteousness that it makes all other dirt look guilty by comparison.


Got a selection of good dirts on sale, stranger.

  1. Curse dirt. (It's a capital offense to possess throughout the empire. But physically it's just normal dirt.)
  2. Dirt that contains skeleton parts. If speak with dead is cast upon them they sing soothing folk tunes.
  3. Dirt without GMO.
  4. Gluten-free dirt.
  5. Enriched dirt.
  6. Enriched dirt, but it's actually uranium.
  7. Enriched dirt, but it's actually uranium. Except that it's bootleg uranium; it just makes you urinate.
  8. All natural GMO free free range gluten-free low calorie low sodium dirt (19.95 plus tax)
  9. Dirt with a soul inside it. You can make a golem out of it.
  10. Dirt that when revealed by your political opponent loses you your career
  11. Waterproof dirt.
  12. Sand.
  13. Dirt, except the sky is made out of it.
  14. Technicolor dirt
  15. Undead dirt.
  16. Dirt masquerading as stone.
  17. Uncomfortably sticky dirt.
  18. Vanilla dirt.
  19. Chocolate dirt.
  20. Strawberry dirt.
  21. Dirt that tastes like human flesh.
  22. Nutritious dirt. Still tastes like dirt.
  23. Dirt that is blue.
  24. Dirt that's blue and wet and liquid and fish swim around in the dirt.
  25. Dirt with cat ears.
  26. Diatomaceous Earth.
  27. I can't believe its not dirt.
  28. Dirt that smells really really bad.
  29. Dirt full of exotic beetles.
  30. An album titled "Dirt That Would Be King"
  31. Steve, a perfectly normal human that definitely isn't a lump of sapient dirt which can move around.
  32. Dirt compressed into a small statue of the Pope. Crumbles easily.
  33. Dirt that breaches the blood brain barrier.
  34. Dirt that can bind to any hormonal receptor.
  35. Dirt that doesn't react with fluorine.
  36. Dirt that's subtly unsettling to look at, but you just can't look away for some reason...
  37. Dirt that does not exist.
  38. Dirt that does not exist yet; you get a deed of ownership.
  39. Dirt that no longer exists, you get a participation trophy for having tried to buy it.
  40. Dirt that is constitutionally mandated not to exist.
  41. Dirt hunted by time travelers.
  42. Dirt that you cannot afford.
  43. Dirt that can be used to tame ants.
  44. Dirt that fulfills prophecies.
  45. Puzzle dirt.
  46. Dirt that you didn't think was dirt at first.
  47. Dirt with map of the golden city tattooed on it. Unfortunately, ink doesn't show up very well on dirt.
  48. A piece of cloth embroidered with the phrase "The real dirt was the friends we made along the way."
These lists use standard Catalan dice.
If all you have are Platonic dice, then you can use a d20 and d6 in place of a d120, and a d6 and d8 in place of a d48.

1 comment:

  1. A final note about dirt merchants. Most of them are incredibly clean. One doesn't get involved with the product, after all.

    Thanks to Lexi, RTX, BoogerBoy, Dua'n'Dul'i'ir', chort, and Type1 Ninja on the OSR discord.