OSR Class: Meat Mage

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a cosmology for a food-based version of the inner planes, and of course there has to be an Elemental Plate of Meats.

Then recently, I came across Chris Tamm's Xor setting, which has loads of excellent tables for a meat world. (Though it focuses more on the body horror stuff instead of the food stuff.) There's even a list of meat spells!

So here's a horrible meat wizard inspired by that list.

Original art by Sara Winters

(This is a wizarding school for Arnold K's GLOG system. The base details for the wizard class can be found here, and the spellcasting rules can be found here.)

School: Meat Mage

Starting equipment: A butchers knife, a spatula, and a chunk of beef.

Drawback: All your spells draw upon a connection to the Plate of Meat, and you need a talisman to access that connection. The talisman is fresh meat. Salted and fermented meat won't work. It has to be fresh and raw. Get an icebox full of steak, carry around chickens to slaughter each day, or go hunting. You just gotta have that meat.

Perk: Your high-protein diet gives you +1 strength. It increases to +2 once you take the third Meat Mage template.


Cantrips:

1. You can detect the internal temperature of any meat you can see.
2. By touching a dead creature, you gain instinctual knowledge of how to butcher it. You can avoid the poisonous parts, find the most tender pieces, etc.
3.If you lick a piece of raw meat, you can tell its age.

Meat Mage Spell List

1. Shred Meat
R: Touch  T: Meat   D: 0
The target meat is finely shredded to make it suitable for a sandwich. If you targeted part of a living creature, they take [sum] damage (no save) and must save or have the muscles you touched become crippled. If you have sauce in your inventory, it can automatically be mixed with the meat as you cast this spell.

2. Speak to Delicious Animals
R: 0   T: Self   D: [dice] minutes
You gain the ability to communicate with animals for the duration of the spell, but you can only communicate with an animal if you have eaten a member of  its species.

3. Grease
R: 50' T: object, surface D: [dice]x2 rounds
Can be cast directly on a creature or [sum] 10' x 10' surfaces. Creatures moving across the area must Save vs Dexterity or drop held objects, or, if moving, drop prone. Any grease applied to cookware remains even after the spell expires.  
This is a standard wizard spell from Skerple's Orthodox Wizard, but where do you think the grease comes from? The elemental plate of meat, of course.

4. Got Milk?

R: Touch  T: Creature  D: [dice] minutes
A nipple appears in the palm of target's hand. They can use it to spray a thin jet of milk and can hit targets up to 200' away. The stream isn't strong enough to deal any damage, but can be distracting, and puts out candle-size fires. If you invest at least 2 [dice], you can choose for the nipple to shoot gravy instead.

5. Lay an Egg

R: 0  T: Self   D: 0
You lay a chicken egg. If you incubate it, then it will hatch within the normal timeframe. Spend at least two [dice] on the spell, and you may instead lay a random egg from this list. Spend three [dice] and you may choose an egg from the list.

6. Meat Metal

R: 60'  T: Piece of Metal  D: Concentration, up to [dice] minutes
Choose a piece of manufactured metal that you can see. As long as you concentrate on it, it gains the appearance and properties of a piece of raw meat.

7. Summon Fish

R: 60'   T: Point in Space   D: Permanent
A fish plops into existence midair at an empty point within range. Compare the [sum] of your spell dice to this list to determine which fish you summon. If you have at least one inventory slot full of fishing bait, then you may instead cast Summon Different Fish, and add exactly 30 to your [sum] in order to determine the fish summoned.
 Eg, you cast this spell with two dice rolling a 2 and a 4 for a total of 6. You summon a lungfish. If you met the prerequisite and cast the alternate spell, then you would instead summon a mackerel.

8. Transmute Meat to Sausage
R: 30'   T: Up to [dice] 10' cubes of dead meat.   D:Permanent
You transform target meat into expertly prepared and deliciously spiced sausages. You can either choose to leave the meat raw or have it be smoked or cured. The meat is automatically cleaned of dirt and feces, and is safe to eat. Bones and hair are left behind.
 Sell your corpses at the market!



9. Bulk Up
R: Touch  T: Creature  D: [sum] rounds
The target increases in size, boosting their strength by +[dice] and granting [sum] temporary hp for the duration of the spell. At the end of the spell's duration, all the extra biomass falls off as strips of tasty meat; if at least two [dice] were invested, then this shredded meat is bulky enough that it takes the target a round to disentangle themselves.

Ethically sourced and cruelty-free meat. The perfect spell for vegan Meat Mages.


10. Meat Shield
R: 15'  T: Pile of Meat  D: [Dice] Hours
Target a pile of meat that weighs at least as much as you do. The meat forms into a copy of your own body. It is just as strong as you are and follows orders, but constantly screams and will not willingly leave your sight. It is created with HP equal to your own current HP.  If it's standing right next to you, it will throw itself in the way of dangers, granting you +2 to saves. When it reaches 0 HP, or when the spell expires, it falls apart into chunks of the original meat from which it was crafted.
This spell actually adds cruelty to the meat.



11. Wall of Meat
R: 20’  T: wall  D: Permanent
You summon meat and bone to form a 10’ by 10’ panel per [dice]. You can mold the wall, similar to cutting holes and notches in a slab of ribs. The wall has [dice] HD. If it is horizontal, the wall must be anchored on at least 2 sides.


12. Meat Storm
R: 30'  T: Self  D: [Dice] Hours
A massive amount of meat flies out of your mouth and begins to fly erratically around like some sort of meat cyclone. This cyclone has a radius of 20'. The meat obscures vision, slows movement to half speed, and blocks projectiles. If anyone attempts to move through the meat twister, slabs of meat slap them in the head, and they take 1 damage per 10' moved. Any sort of armor prevents this damage. After the spell ends, the meat falls to the ground.

BONUS DISCOUNT MEAT SPELLS:

Under the standard GLOG levelling system, you wizard won't learn these spells upon leveling up, but maybe they can learn them from a meat elemental.

13. Meat Form

R: 60' T: Creature or Construct  D: [sum] hours.
The target transforms into a new and powerful meat-based form. If at least three [dice] are spent, then the effect is permanent. If the target is already meat-based (humans, donkeys, elves, etc. ), then this spell has no effect.

14. Meaty Missile

R: 30'   T: Creature or Object  D: 0
A small lump of dense gristly meat flies from your hand to strike the target, dealing  [sum] - [dice] damage, no Save.


15. Accelerate Growth
R: Touch  T: Creature  D: Permanent
The target grows as if they aged by [sum] weeks. The spell can also incubate eggs. If the target is already full-size, this has no effect. It can be used to grow a turkey for eating, but can't age a person to death.


16. Protection from Meat
R: Touch T: [dice]x[dice] targets D: 10 minutes / 8 hours
Reduce all damage from meat-based sources by 4 for the next 10 minutes. (Unarmed attacks are meat-based, unless the attacker has claws or gloves.) Alternatively, the spell protects its targets from carcinogens for the next 8 hours.


17. Meat Ward

R: 10'  T: Area  D: Varies

Create a shimmering red force field, 10‘x10’, centered up to 10' away. Alternatively, create a sphere centered on the caster 5' in diameter. This barrier repels any meat which tries to cross it. The barrier is completely intangible to any other substance: steel, wood, magma, etc. It only blocks meat. The ward can be destroyed by dealing [sum] damage to it, but it can only be damaged by meat.

18. Invisible Flesh
R: Touch  T: [Dice] Creatures or Pieces of Meat  D: [Dice] Hours
The target is rendered invisible! Doesn't affect clothing, hair, or bones.


19. Regenerate Meat
R: Touch  T: Creature or Meat  D: [dice] Hours
Target regenerates 1 HP every 15 minutes. This can also render rancid meat fresh again. 

20. Uncontrolled Meat Growth
R: Touch  T: Creature or Meat  D: 0
The target meat grows out of control, increasing in mass by [sum] ounces. If cast on a living target, this spell induces a stage [dice] soft tissue sarcoma.

21. Breakfast Trap

R: 50' T: 10' x 10'  surface D: [sum] minutes
Small bacon-like tendrils shoot out of the surface and grasp at passers-by. Creatures moving across the area must Save vs Strength or stop moving, and meat-eating animals are instinctually drawn towards the area.

22. Render

R: Touch  T: Pot of bones  D: Permanent

Instantaneously render bones into delicious demi-glace.  Enough to prepare [sum] meals.

23. Sear
R: Touch   T: Meat  D: [Sum] Minutes
A spell custom-made for preparing rare steaks. Your hand begins to glow red hot. If you press it against a surface, it heats that surface, but the heat doesn't penetrate into the object. If you press your hand against a living creature, then it deals [dice] damage per round. This damage only injures the skin and can't bring a creature lower than 1 hp.

24. Bread

R: 30'  T: [sum] pieces of Meat  D: Permanent

Targets are coated in mystically-summoned flour, eggs, and bread crumbs. 

25. Tenderize
R: 60'  T: Creature or Pile of Meat  D: 10 min
The target's muscle fibers relax and soften. In a living target, this causes the target to fall to the ground limp and relaxed, and has -[dice] strength for the duration of this spell. The target is still conscious, just really comfortable and prefers not to move. Non-alert, unaware targets are not allowed a Save. Can affect creatures up to [sum] HD. If [sum] is at least 4 times the creature's HD, the duration becomes until the target gets hungry.

26. Summon Bigger Fish

R: 60'   T: Point in Space   D: Permanent

Can only be cast if you are currently being attacked by an aquatic creature. Summons a fish of your choice from the big fish section of the fish list (#19-24). If you specifically being attacked by a sea-creature larger than a whale shark, then you may instead summon the secret sixty-first fish, the Megalodon. If you spend at least two [dice], the summoned fish won't attack you. If you spend at least three [dice], it will only attack your enemies.

27. Meat Mage Hand

R: 60'   T: Meat and Dairy  D: Concentration, up to [dice] minutes
You form nearby meat and dairy into a floating hand. You can move it slowly through the air as long as it stays within range, and it has the same range of motion as your own hand. It can lift as much as you can with one hand. The hand has 1 hp and collapses into foodstuff as soon as it reaches 0 hp or when the spell expires.

28 Become Delicious
R: Touch  T: Creature of [dice] x2 HD or less  D: [sum] varies
Target creature smells and tastes delicious for the spell's duration. The smell radiates 20' in calm air, but can spread via wind or leave a trail. Sentient creatures can usually resist the urge to eat the target without a Save, but animals and other ravenous creatures must Save or select the spell's target as their primary attack target. Insects will be attracted to the target for the spell's duration. The target may Save at the end of each duration interval to negate the effects. 1 [dice]: minutes, 2 [dice]: hours, 3 [dice]: months, 4 [dice] years. This spell can also affect dead creatures.

Another flavorful Orthodox spell.

29. Meat Vision

R: Touch  T: Sighted creature  D: [dice] hours

Enhances target's ability to look at meat. Any sources of meat are highlighted red in the target's vision. This effect can detect through thin barriers such as lettuce or cabinet doors, but isn't strong enough to see through walls. If the target holds a piece of meat in their hand and inspects it closely, the spell really just helps them, like, appreciate that meat. 

30. Meatify Plants

R: Touch  T: Plant  D: [dice] generations
The target plant is mutated such that it bears animal products of some kind. An apple tree grows hamburgers, clover sprouts tiny pieces of cheese in place of leaves, a coconut tree produces coconuts filled with goat milk, or rye grows fried fish fillets. This trait can be passed to the plant's descendants, but disappears after [dice] generations.

Toriko, episode 58.

Mishaps:

1. MD only return to your pool on a 1-2 for 24 hours.

2. You burn your fingers. Take 1d6 Damage

3. Random mutation for 1d6 rounds, then make a save. Permanent if you fail.

4. Ravenously hungry. Cannot cast spells until you eat 1 ration.

5. The smell of your meat talisman attracts an angry badger.

6. A wave of energy bursts forth causing all meat in a 50' radius to fly away from you. All meat-based creatures in the area must save or be knocked prone.

Doom of the Meat Mage:

1. All meat currently in your inventory turns rancid, and the experience is so traumatizing that you permanently lose 1 charisma.

2. You lose your first cantrip. From now on, any meat you cook has a 1-in-20 chance of causing horrible food poisoning.

3. From now on, any meat you touch transmutes into jelly. This includes your own muscles.

This fate can be avoided by cooking the meat from at least 100 different species, or by serving a perfectly cooked steak to the ruler of a nation.

Mechanical Note: Yes, unless your character is really hungry, you would probably be better off as a biomancer.